1. |
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...and outside it seemed like the seasons were missing
and inside it felt like my feelings were missing too
no i don’t think we have as much control as we think
what if hell exists and we’re all already there
heaven isn’t a place its a goal we have to work towards
and maybe our real sins are just unaccounted actions
and screaming fuck this earth fuck the moon fuck the people
you ask how to deal, with the world and not yourself
if i got smaller , grew wings, flew away for good
i’d take you with me, i’d always be home
all of the seasons remind me of you
looks like they’re leaving, and i’m going too
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2. |
lilies
03:17
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look at all those lilies there must be fucking hundreds
the choruses of frogs were croaking through our car window
i think were leaving or just crossing the country
grabbed a couple scrunchies just in case our hair grows long
we were going to vermont you could see the stars above us
I swore that they were brighter or maybe it was just a phone
in the bed reflected on the window my cousin died that night but
we wouldn't hear about it till morning
you and i were meeting i could see you in the mirror
suns already down, its been getting warmer,
i think I’m getting warmer, wish that i was glowing
wish i was mother nature its a funny thing to want i know
she was a tough kid
she never finished high school
never went to college just started setting shit on fire
thats what her parents told the PTA addicted to books and satan
nobody cared to hear her songs
i guess that i dunno exactly what I’m saying
oh I wanna send everyone to space right now
you’ll be so goddamn pretty like the stars and
be looking down at everything so far away so far away
I will get a job again i’ll stop doing all this teenage shit
you will never hear from me but you will be proud of me
I’ll leave this awful rabbit hole that took away my sympathy
i will bring the seasons back even if it kills me
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3. |
spring
03:45
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funny how those string lights look
Funny i can’t remember
this ones coming back from hell
i’m catching lips and wishing wells
misery is empty
but its funnier than ever
that one day i will die too
andill have to take me with you
i will takeyou all with me i will take you all with me
funny how nostalgia makes those marshes all look like
a meadow full of flowers but i always loved dragon flies
andlightning bugs and all the swamps are rising up and swallowing us all
i feel like I’m a loser i lose something most everyday
i know that it is played out but i think that i could be a bird
i could fly up onto wires eat a mashed up old supply of capn crunch and slushies
god loves me i love him
he loves 711
i’ll be drinking slurpies in heaven
I think that maybe heaven has been here this whole time
depression isn’t constant its a fucking bedbug line
and Heaven was a turnpike and you were driving sixty five
And cars were all the angels I’m a dreamer i believe ya i was just outside to see ya
trade my body in for credit cause boy i can’t deceive ya
I’m a meadow full of flowers
I’ve been dead for a few hours
So I’m dancing amongst the maples
the leaves are lined with syrup
and i just can’t believe that the middle one is 22 I’m almost 25 and I’m still pretty and I’m still shy just like that fuckin bedbug line just like a million butterflies but why oh why am i still learning what its like to be alive
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4. |
rainy, time of the year
02:38
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weird how everything's dynamic
today i sold my soul again
god knows he’ll never understand me
god knows i’m stuck here in my room
this car feels like a mattress
Why won’t my life stop flashing
the insects outside love me
thats why they live above me
and everythings confusing i don’t know what I’m saying but I’m crying all the time cause I’m a cactus overwatered, or maybe underwater, to deal with some emotions i’ll submerge myself and grow gills
Mother natures getting older - she’s a hypocrite
I’ll breath deep keep things lighter, don’t think i’ll write this song
My reflections behind me, but just a few seconds off
when i looked back you were with me, always catching me up
*theres this song that i’ve heard
think you should check it out
there was no chorus or verse
in fact there wasn’t much sound
and in the morning something i said will turn to fuzz
and i’ll believe anything*
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5. |
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untranscribed.
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6. |
autumn
02:37
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in the morning there are bikers
theyre riding over bridges
they knock me off
in the morning i plunge into cold water
its november and its dark out
the kids don’t spend their time in this park anymore
like they did when it was warmer
i did when i was warmer as well
it’s getting late and I’ve got classes
early in the morning
i still can’t sleep
i belong in deserts or maybe the forest
or just in isolation
this year is shaping up like every other
time passes right by me
i don’t write poems in buses at all
i don’t write much in notebooks anymore
i haven’t felt much of anything at all
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7. |
winter. on the moon
02:38
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i’ll be wrapped around in branches
its comfy but its tragic
i’ll stay stuck here for decades
i’ll watch the seasons change
california sunset pink like peach Hippie RV
I’m cotton candy like it but i bring all the snow with me
I wanna fill a canyon with snow sled down in trash cans
or turn round cross my arms close my eyes and fall in
I’ll never hit the bottom
fall forever till the bottom
comes upwards in a thousand miles
i’ll fall straight through the earth
gonna reach the other side
gonna reach all of the planets
gonna pass this stupid galaxy gonna find something big enough for me
wanna invent a new term
a galaxy but larger
just part of an atom
were inside of Gods old tear drops
were splashing on flower petals
she got stood up on her prom date
gonna write a fucking album
but oh where does the day go
its winter but its warmer gonna take all of you with me
we could reach much further if we all just saw things clearly
gods a teenage heartbreak she’s crying in her bedroom
and i am just a snowflake melting on her window
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8. |
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you will get to heaven you’ll be in shopping centers
and i’ll be late night driving straight towards the pacific
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9. |
summer and, everyone
03:50
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you ever think how those lights look like they lived a full life
Kinda funny how now i kinda keep to myself
i found a tear in the sky i’d like to think that its mine
i have to see with my mind cause the sun is too bright
i was playing hopscotch across the solar system
my feet were big and clumsy so i slipped up like on marbles
and i started falling endlessly
everything is heavy i think that i’m still dreaming
im cradled in this fantasy that created only for me
we made it together
i woke up in my room and boy was it much warmer
i hadn’t left in three days but i still thought it was beautiful
or maybe I’m just sad again
im a plant i eat light but my thorns are on the inside
oh my insides are growing my insides are growing
outside its still snowing my soul is leaving my body
i think that it heard me say “sorry i never asked for this burden"
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10. |
summer and, everything
02:20
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its been a few years since i left home
my feet are dragging along the road
and look at this big city
looks like i was built tall just for me
my mom never knew i sing
and my dad never knew i sing
i think that i should read some more and everyone is saying
"i don’t think that were comfortable but at least it is familiar”
one day i’ll grow taller no i’ll be something better
and everyone is holding me and i think that i’ll let them
i am holding everyone and they are holding everything and we can reach the planets
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11. |
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untranscribed.
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12. |
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it feels like the winter
feels like it's colder
I feel a lot
the middle of december
The birds are gone from
All their bird spots
I’m sure I like you, I felt too small
turns out that something is living
vicariously through me
my nectar filled belly, is still seeping out honey
The swamps have been drained and they tell me they miss me
but what good is missing when alone I am nothing
alone i feel nothing, i wish i felt something
I just wanna go back to sleep i wanna climb a tree and eat the leaves
i just wanna be led astray and no one ever will find me
Let me out I've grown so much you know
My body's older it's been rusting in the sun
*going on a long trip
im bad at endings
never gonna come back
never getting better
tell my dad i’ll miss him
tell my mom its okay
im bad at endings
I’m never getting better*
I'm taking a break from
my body, for good
I'm taking my soul and
Going home alone
if i got smaller grew wings flew away ffor good
id take u with me i’d always be home
all of the seasons remind me of you
looks like their leaving and I’m going too
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13. |
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if i unfriend a new person each day in two years i’d be brand new i’d travel to mexico like i always said i wanted too i’d live quietly but maybe
all i really need is to grow wings leave this place for good… i’ll take you with me.
ill take that song i love as well that says i wanna be a kid again and good things come too an end , I’m just so bad at endings
i hope you end up where your happiest
i hope i never hold you back from that
but i know your sights soar right past me
and i know we hate to think about it but i know you won’t forget me
maybe in another three years we’d travel endlessly just like you wanted from me
maybe in another three after that we’d call each other family have another party for the friends we met in college and through music
we don’t keep in touch well but thats to be expected
maybe we can go away together and pretend like no place else existed
you wanna go to europe my sights were always different
maybe in a few weeks i will take this all back , or even forget i wrote this… probably for the better
we can just ignore it we both know how this story ends you will go away for good my wings won’t grow fast enough
im just so bad at endings and I’m never getting better maybe thats okay though
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bedbug Los Angeles, California
like a phoenix i've arisen from my own ashes and now i'm 27
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