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i'll count to heaven in years without seasons

by bedbug

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1.
...and outside it seemed like the seasons were missing and inside it felt like my feelings were missing too no i don’t think we have as much control as we think what if hell exists and we’re all already there heaven isn’t a place its a goal we have to work towards and maybe our real sins are just unaccounted actions and screaming fuck this earth fuck the moon fuck the people you ask how to deal, with the world and not yourself if i got smaller , grew wings, flew away for good i’d take you with me, i’d always be home all of the seasons remind me of you looks like they’re leaving, and i’m going too
2.
lilies 03:17
look at all those lilies there must be fucking hundreds the choruses of frogs were croaking through our car window i think were leaving or just crossing the country grabbed a couple scrunchies just in case our hair grows long we were going to vermont you could see the stars above us I swore that they were brighter or maybe it was just a phone in the bed reflected on the window my cousin died that night but we wouldn't hear about it till morning you and i were meeting i could see you in the mirror suns already down, its been getting warmer, i think I’m getting warmer, wish that i was glowing wish i was mother nature its a funny thing to want i know she was a tough kid she never finished high school never went to college just started setting shit on fire thats what her parents told the PTA addicted to books and satan nobody cared to hear her songs i guess that i dunno exactly what I’m saying oh I wanna send everyone to space right now you’ll be so goddamn pretty like the stars and be looking down at everything so far away so far away I will get a job again i’ll stop doing all this teenage shit you will never hear from me but you will be proud of me I’ll leave this awful rabbit hole that took away my sympathy i will bring the seasons back even if it kills me
3.
spring 03:45
funny how those string lights look Funny i can’t remember this ones coming back from hell i’m catching lips and wishing wells misery is empty but its funnier than ever that one day i will die too andill have to take me with you i will takeyou all with me i will take you all with me funny how nostalgia makes those marshes all look like a meadow full of flowers but i always loved dragon flies andlightning bugs and all the swamps are rising up and swallowing us all i feel like I’m a loser i lose something most everyday i know that it is played out but i think that i could be a bird i could fly up onto wires eat a mashed up old supply of capn crunch and slushies god loves me i love him he loves 711 i’ll be drinking slurpies in heaven I think that maybe heaven has been here this whole time depression isn’t constant its a fucking bedbug line and Heaven was a turnpike and you were driving sixty five And cars were all the angels I’m a dreamer i believe ya i was just outside to see ya trade my body in for credit cause boy i can’t deceive ya I’m a meadow full of flowers I’ve been dead for a few hours So I’m dancing amongst the maples the leaves are lined with syrup and i just can’t believe that the middle one is 22 I’m almost 25 and I’m still pretty and I’m still shy just like that fuckin bedbug line just like a million butterflies but why oh why am i still learning what its like to be alive
4.
weird how everything's dynamic today i sold my soul again god knows he’ll never understand me god knows i’m stuck here in my room this car feels like a mattress Why won’t my life stop flashing the insects outside love me thats why they live above me and everythings confusing i don’t know what I’m saying but I’m crying all the time cause I’m a cactus overwatered, or maybe underwater, to deal with some emotions i’ll submerge myself and grow gills Mother natures getting older - she’s a hypocrite I’ll breath deep keep things lighter, don’t think i’ll write this song My reflections behind me, but just a few seconds off when i looked back you were with me, always catching me up *theres this song that i’ve heard think you should check it out there was no chorus or verse in fact there wasn’t much sound and in the morning something i said will turn to fuzz and i’ll believe anything*
5.
untranscribed.
6.
autumn 02:37
in the morning there are bikers theyre riding over bridges they knock me off in the morning i plunge into cold water its november and its dark out the kids don’t spend their time in this park anymore like they did when it was warmer i did when i was warmer as well it’s getting late and I’ve got classes early in the morning i still can’t sleep i belong in deserts or maybe the forest or just in isolation this year is shaping up like every other time passes right by me i don’t write poems in buses at all i don’t write much in notebooks anymore i haven’t felt much of anything at all
7.
i’ll be wrapped around in branches its comfy but its tragic i’ll stay stuck here for decades i’ll watch the seasons change california sunset pink like peach Hippie RV I’m cotton candy like it but i bring all the snow with me I wanna fill a canyon with snow sled down in trash cans or turn round cross my arms close my eyes and fall in I’ll never hit the bottom fall forever till the bottom comes upwards in a thousand miles i’ll fall straight through the earth gonna reach the other side gonna reach all of the planets gonna pass this stupid galaxy gonna find something big enough for me wanna invent a new term a galaxy but larger just part of an atom were inside of Gods old tear drops were splashing on flower petals she got stood up on her prom date gonna write a fucking album but oh where does the day go its winter but its warmer gonna take all of you with me we could reach much further if we all just saw things clearly gods a teenage heartbreak she’s crying in her bedroom and i am just a snowflake melting on her window
8.
you will get to heaven you’ll be in shopping centers and i’ll be late night driving straight towards the pacific
9.
you ever think how those lights look like they lived a full life Kinda funny how now i kinda keep to myself i found a tear in the sky i’d like to think that its mine i have to see with my mind cause the sun is too bright i was playing hopscotch across the solar system my feet were big and clumsy so i slipped up like on marbles and i started falling endlessly everything is heavy i think that i’m still dreaming im cradled in this fantasy that created only for me we made it together i woke up in my room and boy was it much warmer i hadn’t left in three days but i still thought it was beautiful or maybe I’m just sad again im a plant i eat light but my thorns are on the inside oh my insides are growing my insides are growing outside its still snowing my soul is leaving my body i think that it heard me say “sorry i never asked for this burden"
10.
its been a few years since i left home my feet are dragging along the road and look at this big city looks like i was built tall just for me my mom never knew i sing and my dad never knew i sing i think that i should read some more and everyone is saying "i don’t think that were comfortable but at least it is familiar” one day i’ll grow taller no i’ll be something better and everyone is holding me and i think that i’ll let them i am holding everyone and they are holding everything and we can reach the planets
11.
untranscribed.
12.
it feels like the winter feels like it's colder I feel a lot the middle of december The birds are gone from All their bird spots I’m sure I like you, I felt too small turns out that something is living vicariously through me my nectar filled belly, is still seeping out honey The swamps have been drained and they tell me they miss me but what good is missing when alone I am nothing alone i feel nothing, i wish i felt something I just wanna go back to sleep i wanna climb a tree and eat the leaves i just wanna be led astray and no one ever will find me Let me out I've grown so much you know My body's older it's been rusting in the sun *going on a long trip im bad at endings never gonna come back never getting better tell my dad i’ll miss him tell my mom its okay im bad at endings I’m never getting better* I'm taking a break from my body, for good I'm taking my soul and Going home alone if i got smaller grew wings flew away ffor good id take u with me i’d always be home all of the seasons remind me of you looks like their leaving and I’m going too
13.
if i unfriend a new person each day in two years i’d be brand new i’d travel to mexico like i always said i wanted too i’d live quietly but maybe all i really need is to grow wings leave this place for good… i’ll take you with me. ill take that song i love as well that says i wanna be a kid again and good things come too an end , I’m just so bad at endings i hope you end up where your happiest i hope i never hold you back from that but i know your sights soar right past me and i know we hate to think about it but i know you won’t forget me maybe in another three years we’d travel endlessly just like you wanted from me maybe in another three after that we’d call each other family have another party for the friends we met in college and through music we don’t keep in touch well but thats to be expected maybe we can go away together and pretend like no place else existed you wanna go to europe my sights were always different maybe in a few weeks i will take this all back , or even forget i wrote this… probably for the better we can just ignore it we both know how this story ends you will go away for good my wings won’t grow fast enough im just so bad at endings and I’m never getting better maybe thats okay though

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released January 19, 2018

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bedbug Los Angeles, California

like a phoenix i've arisen from my own ashes and now i'm 27

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